The Statute of Not Needed
by Lucillia
Summary: Ever since that day in 1973 when all eyes were on Magneto, a certain law pretty much became completely unnecessary. Unfortunately, the wizards didn't get the memo...


"Seriously, why do we still even have the Statute of Secrecy anyways?" Harry asked as he tossed aside a request for a budget increase from the Obliviators who kept claiming that they were being completely slammed and that they needed more men.

"We need to stay hidden so the muggles don't..." Ron started, getting up a head of steam so he could go through the whole spiel of why the Statute of Secrecy used to need to exist.

"Honestly Ron, nowdays you could just say "Mutant", and it would explain everything." Harry said, cutting his oldest friend off at the pass. "Heck, you don't even need to say "Mutant" these days, the Muggles will just assume it."

"But..." Ron said, likely about to start on something that had been drilled into his head since childhood.

Purebloods were so behind the times and out of touch that it wasn't even funny. Sometimes Harry thought it was completely deliberate. That the ignorance was some sort of fad that became something of a traditional social norm over the generations, and that wizards routinely obliviated themselves of anything muggle in order to maintain that "charming" ignorance of everything from modern Muggle dress to just about everything that had happened in the Muggle world since before that day in 1973 that had Changed Everything.

That day seven years before his birth that was the reason he'd had to spend two days a week in some sort of "Ethics Class" with the Muties over at Stonewall until he'd gotten his Hogwarts invite after the "roof climbing" incident. Being the only Primary School student, and being unable to show off his "power" on demand, like when the boys who hadn't treated him like a little brother had decided to teach him what a "swirlie" was, had made that whole situation a living hell...

Mentally wrenching himself out of the past and making a note to send that guy who still sent him invites to join the Brotherhood despite the twenty-seven times he'd informed them he wasn't interested a Christmas card, Harry turned back to the here and now, and his current conversation with his occasionally dim friend.

"Ron, I bet you five Galleons that you could Apparate into any video store in the country and ask for some tentacle porn because you need a how-to manual and all anyone will do is call you a perv. If that." Harry said.

"I can't do that mate, I'd..." Ron said, looking a little pale at the suggestion that he do something that was so damn illegal it wasn't even funny.

"I'm the Head Auror." Harry said. "I can clear it for you right here, right now."

 **At a Video Rental Store in Greater Hangleton:**

"Honestly, I dont even know why we open. Thanks to the bloody internet..." One of the two men manning the counter said as he flipped through the Swimsuit Edition of Sports Illustrated which had a triple-breasted green woman with orange stripes in a string bikini as the cover model.

"Where else do you get paid to do nothing all day?" the other man said as he used telekenisis to assemble a house of cards on the counter in front of him.

"That's just the problem. There's only so many magazines you won't get fired for reading at work that you can read before you just want to go out and do something." the first man said.

Suddenly, there was a loud pop and a rather nervous looking red-haired, blue-eyed man appeared out of nowhere.

"Can we help you?" the first man asked as the telekinetic gathered up the cards that had scattered everywhere when the first customer of the day showed up.

"I, uh, need uh, some tentacle porn as a uh, how-to manual." the tall, somewhat gawky looking man who appeared to be in his mid-twenties said nervously, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

"First night in with the girlfriend?" The telekinetic asked as the other guy went into the little curtained-off back room, finally glad to have something to do other than read his magazine for the third time that day.

"Uh, yeah." The Red-head said, not looking too eager to make conversation.

"Name?" the telekinetic said as he prepared to pull up the man's account on the computer.

"Ron. Uh, Ron Schmidt." the Red-haired man said.

The telekinetic tapped a few keys on the cream-colored monstrosity that looked as much like a refugee from the 1980s as the rest of the store.

"I could be spelling your name wrong, but you don't appear to be in our system Mr. Schmidt." the telekinetic said as his co-worker came to the front with a DVD case that was emblazoned with the store's logo which had a title printed on the side in a rather neat black typeface.

"I've uh, never been here before..."

 **Back at the Ministry:**

"Okay guys, this is it! A real big one this time!" the Chief Obliviator said, trying to psych up his men who were running on strong black tea and energy potions. "Someone just apparated into a muggle store. There's going to be running, screaming, and panic, and we're going to be needed to bring order to the situation!"

"Right!" the small team said in unison, sounding a little more ragged than usual.

"Alright boys, wands out and let's go!"

 **Back at the Video Rental Store:**

"Thank you, come again." one of the men at the counter said as he handed a certain red-head a dvd case and his new membership card.

"Please, please, please come again. Otherwise we might close, and I'll have to actually work for a living." the other said.

"Well, um, bye." the redhead said before disappearing with a loud pop that sounded like a gunshot.

A few seconds later, there were several more loud gunshot-like pops as several men wearing identically colored robes that looked like they were supposed to be some sort of uniform appeared.

"Alright Simmons, you set up an Anti-Apparition ward so nobody else gets the bright idea to pop in here. Hellman, you look for any customers who might've fled. Nott and McAvoy, you're with me!" the man who was the obvious leader of the group said, nodding as several tired-looking individuals reponded with less than eager "Yes, sir"s and "Right away"s with each order he barked out.

A moment later, there was a yell of "Sonuva-!".

"Everything alright Simmons?" the man who had been approaching the counter with a purposeful stride with the men who were presumably Nott and McAvoy trailing behind him asked.

"Something blue with a tail just popped past my Anti-Apparition wards!" Simmons yelled.

An instant later, said blue "thing" with a tail walked up to the counter.

"Um, hello." the blue mutant said with a somewhat pronounced German accent, turning slightly purple and looking like he didn't want to be there. "Since my friends are away from the students, they decided that they wanted to watch certain films they wouldn't normally get to watch. I, uh, have the list right here."

With that, the mutant walked up to the counter and set the list down on it as if it were a poisonous snake, completely ignoring the men in robes who were staring at him and not-too-quietly speculating what sorts of imaginary creatures had to have been in his ancestry in order to create him.

The telekinetic looked down at the list, his eyebrows shot to his hairline, and without saying a word, he handed the list to his partner. The other man whistled as he scanned the list.

"I'm sorry, but we can't get you number 7 because another German teleporter just rented it, but I could head into the back and get you the rest." the Sports Illustrated reader said when he was done reading the list.

"Another what?!"

 **Fifteen Minutes Later, at the seldom used Xavier Family Property that the X-Men were currently staying at while they were in England:**

"Why do you make me get these things? I feel dirty just carrying them." Nightcrawler said as he threw a bag in which Girls Gone Wild was the tamest selection at Cyclops, his accent growing stronger due to his distressed state. The tips of his ears were almost red despite his blue skin.

"Awww, but you're so cute when you blush." Cyclops said as he grabbed the bag and threw it on the counter, no intention of actually watching the contents which had served their purpose in a revenge prank against Kurt for that time the teleporter had popped into his room and woke him up in the middle of the night by dropping him in the swimming pool.

"If you don't need me, I'm going to be out looking for that other German teleporter I heard about."

 **At the Ministry of Magic:**

"Order has once again been restored. We shall be able to go home confident that we have once more helped maintain the secrecy that..."

"We just got a report that there's some guy turning people's hair weird colors outside a chip shop in Clapham!"

Sigh. "Once again, duty calls."

"Good thing we can obliviate ourselves of this hell before we go to bed at night."

 **Back at the Video Rental Store:**

"You get the security video up yet?"

"Yeah, and you were right Bob. The reason we're missing a half-hour is because those cultists in the robes came in and mind-wiped us. Again."

"Fucking Mutants."

"Hey!"

"Sorry! I didn't mean you Frank."


End file.
